1950...no hair, Mom was horrified I would be bald.
My father carried this picture that Aunt Janet took of me at 3 in his wallet till he died. I was 13 he he was killed. Mom said he so loved the picture that he had the current year's one over it.
By God, I made it. It is a reality that I can say with certainty I am always amazed every time I wake up on this side of the grass. What confuses me is is why. I can not figure out why me. Today I turned 62, but I started out this year with two brothers and before the middle of this month, I had only one. Harold is the only brother left of four, and my sister is also gone. The weirdness of this does befuddle me. Why me? I have been in a morgue, and died on the surgery table 4 times, but I am still here. Have I done something wrong and must pay for it by watching my family die? Or is it as Mom said, "You are the one to tell the truth."
The truth teller. What truth should I tell? Should I tell the whole, real truth about my family, warts and all? Or should I tell the varnished truth, just bits of the story that have been carefully selected?
As I sit here going through old family photos, I wonder why I am doing this anymore. The people in these photos are almost all dead, just one or two left. The grandchildren and great-grandchildren of my parents don't even know who these people are. I have spent over 40 years collecting stories, records and documents to write the story of my family. But which family do I write about? The family that was poor, happy but intact before my dad died?
Mom and Dad 1961
Or the new family that was formed after my father was killed, just Mom and her kids?
Bill, Harold, Bobby, Rose, Sooty and Tiger 1963. My favorite picture of my little brothers and sister.
Dennis and Mom 1963.
Ironically all the people in the above pictures except for Harold, are gone. My heart breaks with sadness at times, but I also cherish all of them forever, even when bad things happened between us.
Or the "UNBLENDED" group that was the result of my mother remarrying a year and a half later.
Well, the full reality that I am an official senior citizen, albeit a young one, was the letter from Social Security wanting to know if I was applying for retirement benefits now. I sat with the letter in my hand today and just laughed. Retirement? Me? What do I retire from... a hell of a life? That would be a gift...that is for sure. But I am a realist, and know that I would not be totally free of it. But could I retire? Well, the answer is no. Because I took care of Al's uncle for 15 years without pay, and was a foster mom for years, without pay, and I took care of my mom for two years without pay...I really don't have enough credits to make it worthwhile. I still cannot get any Medicare for another 3 years, so the small amount I can get now will not cover any health insurance premiums. My answer was mailed back today, and I had to say no. Is that a mistake? Who knows? My brother just died at 66 years, and I doubt he collected much of his Social Security for all the years he worked. I have other friends who have died before retirement.
So how does Social Security become an entitlement? If you die before you are eligible, nobody gets it. Well, that is, almost no one, if you are married and have kids, your family can get it. But if you have no kids, are not married, and have no dependents, then the government gets it. Wait, is this the same government that wants to cut Social Security, Medicare and other senior benefits? They want to continue to give money to those who do not need it, but will not help those who are homeless, hungry and have dire medical needs unless they fit very rigid rules that often has no relation to reality. Such as when someone tries to get disability from a program they have been paying into for that reason.
I have been through a lot of elections, and it seems to me, that the government that we are electing is getting further and further away from the citizens and closer to an oligarchy.
Tomorrow I become an official senior, one that is NOT retiring, because it seems to me that there is more work to do now than there was when I was younger. Personally I think my generation really screwed up, especially when we became more obsessed with possessions than people. I am not sure I can change or fix some of the screw ups, but I am willing to work at trying.
I was editing some pictures to up load to Ancestry for the family history when I saw a couple of new pictures of my brother Dennis who had just died. I was shocked and appalled at what I saw: I saw an old man. After my initial shock I decided to go through some more of my pictures and some other pictures I came across. What I realized is that Dennis became an old man in front of everyone and maybe no one noticed. I had not seen Dennis in over two years so the decline was dramatic.
I then decided to go through pictures of my Mom who had just died 1 1/2 years ago and the similarity of decline was amazing. Within two years Mom became old before our eyes, and even though I thought I had caught it I did not fully.
Then I pulled out pictures of my sister Rose who had died from a brain tumor, and the difference is there too.
So next I went through some pictures of Al and myself, and was totally blow away, the changes are so noticeable when you look back.
We don't really see ourselves. The people who are closest to us don't notice the changes like someone who had not seen you in a while. I think maybe because you see someone everyday you just become used to the person, I don't think it is because you don't care. I wonder if our brains are wired to ignore the small signs. Does the brain do this to prepare us for the upcoming death? Or is it because we are wired to be afraid of death, and are in denial? I really don't know the why, the realization that it is going on right before our eyes is shocking.
So I have a couple of suggestions:
1. Get pictures taken every year, and at the beginning of the New Year look at lasts years picture to see how you or the family member has changed. Was it a normal aging change? Or is there a look in the eyes or posture that has changed that concerns you? The most important change I now see in Mom's and Dennis's pictures is they lost the sparkle in their eyes, and their smiles did not light up the room. Rose was only 32, but she looked much older and also had lost her smile. These three especially had full faced smiles that could light up a room.
2. If you see a change that is worrying, tell the person and maybe suggest they see a doctor if you think it is medical. If the doctor says it is no big deal, maybe get a second opinion, doctors can be wrong. Trust me doctors can really be wrong, they were for Rose and my Mother. Had to change doctors a couple of times.
3. Do the same thing for yourself, most of us do not look at ourselves, except to see how we are dressed, etc. Be honest with yourself, it has nothing to do with vanity. It could save your life.
As we all know, we can't get out of life alive....death will happen, but maybe, just maybe we can improve the quality of one's life with some foresight....maybe.
As someone who took care of three family members while they were dying, I thought I was pretty informed, but maybe nobody can be fully knowledgeable. As an example, here is an interesting article I found today.....
http://gma.yahoo.com/wife-slips-madness-husband-dies-brain-tumor-170825388--abc-news.html
My hope is that no one has to go through this or other too early deaths. I hope some of these thought will help you.
I got a terse response to my tribute to my brother Dennis who had just died. The person who composed it was a peripheral family member and his perception was that it was negative. That was not my goal.
BUT, there is one thing that the I have learned, many times people do not READ what is WRITTEN....emotion has an interesting filter that can really misinterpret what someone SAYS. I have found that the internet has caused a lot of problems with communication between people because of lack of body language. We are losing the skill to communicate it seems on many levels.
How one grieves is specific to the person and no one has a right to dictate as what method of grief is appropriate. I chose to honor the brother I had loved, but was honest about our relationship.
I still say Thank You Dennis for being you....
My reality, perception and actuality are mine, they might not jive with anyone else's, but I do accept them and live with them. I guess it can make other people uncomfortable when a person takes responsibility for their own actions.
Denny 1954, he is in the center, with the new baby Harold...I am next to him with the curls.
Today I got a text from my younger brother, Harold, that my older brother Dennis had died last night. I was not surprised. Denny had struggled with health issues the last few years. Denny was only 66. It was sad that we had not talked in over a year, but at my mother's funeral Dennis decided he never wanted to talk with me again. He had gotten some wrong information, and emotions exploded. We had words, and they were not nice words. Dennis sent me an email that stated he never wanted to have contact again, and I honored his wishes.
Despite all of this I loved Dennis totally. He could be a very difficult person, but he had been my hero when I was younger, and my partner when we got older and had to take care of the younger kids.
Denny was smart, witty and human. He lived an adventurous life, many times coming close to death. He had been in a coma for weeks once in the 70's after an auto accident. He lived life large and hard, so he pushed the edge a lot.
We had the common bond of being the "other parents" and even until recently called the younger brothers and sister "The Little Kids".
Will I miss him? Yes, on some levels, but I lost him over a year ago. Do I wish he had responded to an attempt to make amends last year? Yes, I do. But my reality is that turning the other cheek only resulted in getting slapped again. It is not unusual for family trauma to create a chasm, but I had figured with all of our trauma there would still be a connection. I was wrong.
My advice to anyone is this: make sure you are comfortable with your words, and who you tell them to, because you might find out they are the last words you have together.
Rest in Peace my Big Brother DJ....You will always be in my heart, I shall always remember that wicked smile and wonderful laugh you had. I always loved your hugs and kisses. Thank you for serving this country during the Vietnam era in the Air Force. Thank you for your intelligence that helped make things safe for this country. Thank you for having two beautiful daughters and three beautiful granddaughters.
Rest in peace......Dennis Jay
2011 is almost over, and I can come out of hiding.....Tomorrow.
I will not miss 2011, it was a terrible year for us...it started out with losing one kitty and by Oct we had lost 3. Rest in Peace, Sally, Ada Jane and Shadow.
A treasured friend died this year also and I am so tired of death.
For the past 18 months Al and I have dealt with death so much it is hard to think in a positive way. It started with my mother's death in July of 2010, with Al's mom in Oct 2010, and it did not stop. We attended many funerals for veterans and active duty military in the past year, and feel honored to have stood flag line, but saddened to have to be there.
After the hellacious term Al had in college this Fall, and struggling with health issues, I decided that after Christmas Day I was taking refuge in the house till the New Year. I have not even poked my nose outside since then. I didn't feel safe enough to push my luck this last week. All I can say is that I am so lucky to have Al as my backup.
I hope that everyone out there has a Safe, Healthy and Happy New Year and that 2012 will be positive for all.
Megan, Al and Gabrielle
Today had turned out to be so sad. Our beloved little boy, Shadow Rex, who was too sweet to describe, had to be ut to rest today. Shadow was 18 years old and a beautiful Blue Maine Coon that we rescued from the street. He had been on the street through two winters when we had moved in and he took a liking to me right away, the trouble was we already had two cats. Al's mother decided to take him in and had him for a couple of years, but when she moved to a senior complex she only took one of her cats, Sally, because she was declawed. We took Shadow in when we moved again. He had been part of the our family for over 10 years. The vet told us when he was first brought in that he was in pretty good health but don't expect him to last long, that was 12 years ago.
I don't know why humans feel the need to have pets, and who figured out which of the animals would become man's pets, but I have always had one and thus have always had to make the hard decision as to when.
I have decided that being an adult is over rated and that I am sick of having to make decisions, and yes, I understand if I don't make the decision, someone else will and then I am stuck with the decision. In less than 18 months Al and I have buried both our mothers and three of our cats, we are so done with death. Plus we had a dear friend die. We are so burned out we barely function at times, yet we try to help others.
I will miss my little boy, he always cuddled up with me for my naps and before bedtime. Rest in Peace Shadow Rex Bouchard...................
Rose Marie is my only sister and she died today in 1989.........it is shocking to see how much time has gone by......
When she was born I was the happiest kid in the world, I finally got a sister...I already had three brothers and felt it was time.
Rose was born July 2nd and as a result for years thought the fireworks going during the 4th was for her..........especially after she was 3 and her big brother took her downtown to see the fireworks at the Detroit river.
Rose was a talented artist, accomplished horsewoman and loved living outdoors and experiencing the wild. She lived for years in Alaska and raised some of her own food. She also worked on fishing ships and hunted. All in all she was a "Renaissance Woman".
My mother told me she did not know how she ended up with such daughters. Mom said her daughters had "more balls" then her sons.
I do not know why my sister and I had such hard lives and why I did not have the gift of growing older with her. When she was dying she told me that she wanted me to be her power of attorney and to fight her fights for her because she knew I would not fail her. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Because of our Mother being married to someone Rose did not trust, she did not want Mom to be put in a difficult place. Like she told me, Mom would not be able to help her without backlash from her husband. When I had to corner the doctor to tell us the truth, how long did she have.....would she live long enough for her brother's birthday on the 4th, the doctor did not want to tell me the truth. Rose was in a coma at this time and both her brothers made it back home in time to say good by. Her older brother's birthday was on the 4th of Oct, she died at 12:02am on the 5th of Oct., she hung in long enough so she would not die on her brother's birthday. I guess Mom is right, Rose really had some balls.
I miss my little sister, I loved her with my whole heart and think about how lucky I was to have her for 32 years. As I sit here crying because of how much I miss you Rose, I also have joy in my heart because I did what you asked me to do Rose and that is fight for your dignity.
So my little Rosey Posey Pudding and Pie, Thank You for being part of my heart and having blessed me for the years I had with you.
I received a beautiful gift tonight, I got a call from an old friend, one I had not been in contact for a decade. It was with great joy and love that I was able to re-connect with Claudia. We talked for hours, there was so much to catch up on. We had both has so many tragedies during the past decade, yet also some triumphs.
She understood why we had to pull away from her and her wonderful husband Dan, whom she lost two years ago. My heart is sorrowful that I missed the last few years of Dan's life. Time has gone by so fast and so many things have happened. If I had one wish it would be that we never have to dis-connect again.
We discussed the fact we had known each other for 30 years and then laughed at how strange that sounds. How could 30 years go by so fast. It was wonderful to hear her voice and tell her how much I enjoyed talking with her again and we both made a promise not to let the time go by again.
This is a good way to end a day.
Denny holding Rose
Denny and Harold 1955
