1950...no hair, Mom was horrified I would be bald.
My father carried this picture that Aunt Janet took of me at 3 in his wallet till he died. I was 13 he he was killed. Mom said he so loved the picture that he had the current year's one over it.
By God, I made it. It is a reality that I can say with certainty I am always amazed every time I wake up on this side of the grass. What confuses me is is why. I can not figure out why me. Today I turned 62, but I started out this year with two brothers and before the middle of this month, I had only one. Harold is the only brother left of four, and my sister is also gone. The weirdness of this does befuddle me. Why me? I have been in a morgue, and died on the surgery table 4 times, but I am still here. Have I done something wrong and must pay for it by watching my family die? Or is it as Mom said, "You are the one to tell the truth."
The truth teller. What truth should I tell? Should I tell the whole, real truth about my family, warts and all? Or should I tell the varnished truth, just bits of the story that have been carefully selected?
As I sit here going through old family photos, I wonder why I am doing this anymore. The people in these photos are almost all dead, just one or two left. The grandchildren and great-grandchildren of my parents don't even know who these people are. I have spent over 40 years collecting stories, records and documents to write the story of my family. But which family do I write about? The family that was poor, happy but intact before my dad died?
Mom and Dad 1961
Or the new family that was formed after my father was killed, just Mom and her kids?
Bill, Harold, Bobby, Rose, Sooty and Tiger 1963. My favorite picture of my little brothers and sister.
Dennis and Mom 1963.
Ironically all the people in the above pictures except for Harold, are gone. My heart breaks with sadness at times, but I also cherish all of them forever, even when bad things happened between us.
Or the "UNBLENDED" group that was the result of my mother remarrying a year and a half later.
I was editing some pictures to up load to Ancestry for the family history when I saw a couple of new pictures of my brother Dennis who had just died. I was shocked and appalled at what I saw: I saw an old man. After my initial shock I decided to go through some more of my pictures and some other pictures I came across. What I realized is that Dennis became an old man in front of everyone and maybe no one noticed. I had not seen Dennis in over two years so the decline was dramatic.
I then decided to go through pictures of my Mom who had just died 1 1/2 years ago and the similarity of decline was amazing. Within two years Mom became old before our eyes, and even though I thought I had caught it I did not fully.
Then I pulled out pictures of my sister Rose who had died from a brain tumor, and the difference is there too.
So next I went through some pictures of Al and myself, and was totally blow away, the changes are so noticeable when you look back.
We don't really see ourselves. The people who are closest to us don't notice the changes like someone who had not seen you in a while. I think maybe because you see someone everyday you just become used to the person, I don't think it is because you don't care. I wonder if our brains are wired to ignore the small signs. Does the brain do this to prepare us for the upcoming death? Or is it because we are wired to be afraid of death, and are in denial? I really don't know the why, the realization that it is going on right before our eyes is shocking.
So I have a couple of suggestions:
1. Get pictures taken every year, and at the beginning of the New Year look at lasts years picture to see how you or the family member has changed. Was it a normal aging change? Or is there a look in the eyes or posture that has changed that concerns you? The most important change I now see in Mom's and Dennis's pictures is they lost the sparkle in their eyes, and their smiles did not light up the room. Rose was only 32, but she looked much older and also had lost her smile. These three especially had full faced smiles that could light up a room.
2. If you see a change that is worrying, tell the person and maybe suggest they see a doctor if you think it is medical. If the doctor says it is no big deal, maybe get a second opinion, doctors can be wrong. Trust me doctors can really be wrong, they were for Rose and my Mother. Had to change doctors a couple of times.
3. Do the same thing for yourself, most of us do not look at ourselves, except to see how we are dressed, etc. Be honest with yourself, it has nothing to do with vanity. It could save your life.
As we all know, we can't get out of life alive....death will happen, but maybe, just maybe we can improve the quality of one's life with some foresight....maybe.
As someone who took care of three family members while they were dying, I thought I was pretty informed, but maybe nobody can be fully knowledgeable. As an example, here is an interesting article I found today.....
http://gma.yahoo.com/wife-slips-madness-husband-dies-brain-tumor-170825388--abc-news.html
My hope is that no one has to go through this or other too early deaths. I hope some of these thought will help you.
I got a terse response to my tribute to my brother Dennis who had just died. The person who composed it was a peripheral family member and his perception was that it was negative. That was not my goal.
BUT, there is one thing that the I have learned, many times people do not READ what is WRITTEN....emotion has an interesting filter that can really misinterpret what someone SAYS. I have found that the internet has caused a lot of problems with communication between people because of lack of body language. We are losing the skill to communicate it seems on many levels.
How one grieves is specific to the person and no one has a right to dictate as what method of grief is appropriate. I chose to honor the brother I had loved, but was honest about our relationship.
I still say Thank You Dennis for being you....
My reality, perception and actuality are mine, they might not jive with anyone else's, but I do accept them and live with them. I guess it can make other people uncomfortable when a person takes responsibility for their own actions.
Denny 1954, he is in the center, with the new baby Harold...I am next to him with the curls.
Today I got a text from my younger brother, Harold, that my older brother Dennis had died last night. I was not surprised. Denny had struggled with health issues the last few years. Denny was only 66. It was sad that we had not talked in over a year, but at my mother's funeral Dennis decided he never wanted to talk with me again. He had gotten some wrong information, and emotions exploded. We had words, and they were not nice words. Dennis sent me an email that stated he never wanted to have contact again, and I honored his wishes.
Despite all of this I loved Dennis totally. He could be a very difficult person, but he had been my hero when I was younger, and my partner when we got older and had to take care of the younger kids.
Denny was smart, witty and human. He lived an adventurous life, many times coming close to death. He had been in a coma for weeks once in the 70's after an auto accident. He lived life large and hard, so he pushed the edge a lot.
We had the common bond of being the "other parents" and even until recently called the younger brothers and sister "The Little Kids".
Will I miss him? Yes, on some levels, but I lost him over a year ago. Do I wish he had responded to an attempt to make amends last year? Yes, I do. But my reality is that turning the other cheek only resulted in getting slapped again. It is not unusual for family trauma to create a chasm, but I had figured with all of our trauma there would still be a connection. I was wrong.
My advice to anyone is this: make sure you are comfortable with your words, and who you tell them to, because you might find out they are the last words you have together.
Rest in Peace my Big Brother DJ....You will always be in my heart, I shall always remember that wicked smile and wonderful laugh you had. I always loved your hugs and kisses. Thank you for serving this country during the Vietnam era in the Air Force. Thank you for your intelligence that helped make things safe for this country. Thank you for having two beautiful daughters and three beautiful granddaughters.
Rest in peace......Dennis Jay
Rose Marie is my only sister and she died today in 1989.........it is shocking to see how much time has gone by......
When she was born I was the happiest kid in the world, I finally got a sister...I already had three brothers and felt it was time.
Rose was born July 2nd and as a result for years thought the fireworks going during the 4th was for her..........especially after she was 3 and her big brother took her downtown to see the fireworks at the Detroit river.
Rose was a talented artist, accomplished horsewoman and loved living outdoors and experiencing the wild. She lived for years in Alaska and raised some of her own food. She also worked on fishing ships and hunted. All in all she was a "Renaissance Woman".
My mother told me she did not know how she ended up with such daughters. Mom said her daughters had "more balls" then her sons.
I do not know why my sister and I had such hard lives and why I did not have the gift of growing older with her. When she was dying she told me that she wanted me to be her power of attorney and to fight her fights for her because she knew I would not fail her. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Because of our Mother being married to someone Rose did not trust, she did not want Mom to be put in a difficult place. Like she told me, Mom would not be able to help her without backlash from her husband. When I had to corner the doctor to tell us the truth, how long did she have.....would she live long enough for her brother's birthday on the 4th, the doctor did not want to tell me the truth. Rose was in a coma at this time and both her brothers made it back home in time to say good by. Her older brother's birthday was on the 4th of Oct, she died at 12:02am on the 5th of Oct., she hung in long enough so she would not die on her brother's birthday. I guess Mom is right, Rose really had some balls.
I miss my little sister, I loved her with my whole heart and think about how lucky I was to have her for 32 years. As I sit here crying because of how much I miss you Rose, I also have joy in my heart because I did what you asked me to do Rose and that is fight for your dignity.
So my little Rosey Posey Pudding and Pie, Thank You for being part of my heart and having blessed me for the years I had with you.
Denny holding Rose
Denny and Harold 1955
