LIES

It has occurred to me my whole life has been a lie. I have been lied about and to by many. 

I have been lied to about how important holidays are to one's life...but that is a lie!!!  What holidays do is make a person think they have to act and be a certain way based on antiquated morals and mores. 

When I was young my parents made the holidays magical, and said that it would always be this way...that was a lie!!!  When daddy died things changed big time. The magic was  gone, because my older brother and I became the second parents and had to make the holidays magical for the kids.

Then mom remarried, and it was my job to keep the kids in line so her new husband did not get upset. 

After I became an adult I lived alone and found out that holidays could be sad. It was not fun to be around when others were celebrating.

After Al and I got married I tried to put together some traditions for the holidays and found out he was totally uninterested.  For Al holidays were not celebrated because his uncle worked them all.  After years of trying to have holiday spirit I have given up.  There is no reason to treat these holidays any different than any other day.

I have found lately that after the heart attacks I am too tired to put up with all the fuss and commercialism of holidays...they are sale days, and that is all.  What I had been taught as a child was to be generous and compassionate to those who had less than me.  That is something I have always tried to do. Now, though, if someone wants to give something to someone they ask if they want a tax receipt....no!!!  To me that is not giving, that is exchanging goods for less taxes!!!  Or people shove and push to get the "best deal" to show their generous natures...natures I would not be interested in living with.

Life has not been good most of my life, and now I find I don't want to wake up in the morning anymore.  I hope that my life does not have to be such a struggle anymore. There are times when I wish I could just stop living and never have one more argument or any other negative event go on in my life.  I tried to sit and list what was good going on in my life and can honestly say nothing.

There is bad news that if nursing care is needed, Al and I will need to divorce, because if I have to have Medicaid and need nursing home care, any assets we have the government can take.  If I die, anything we have acquired would be taken from Al. So after all the research that I can find, being poor and needing healthcare is a death sentence and leaves the spouse in the poor house. So much for 30 years of marriage. Another lie that getting old together would be wonderful.

  Ain't life wonderful? LIE!!! 

 2013 is and has been a horrible year.  I am ending the year with deleting all my email accounts, disconnecting phones and killing off Facebook. Life has become so fake and useless.  The rest of this year I am hiding.

For all those who believe the year is good, have a good holiday season....
 

Liability

A liability can mean something that is a hindrance or puts an individual or group at a disadvantage, or something that someone is responsible for, or something that increases the chance of something occurring (i.e. it is a cause). per Wikipedia............

I have always believed that as long as I was not a liability then I would continue to struggle through my life and fight.  After experiencing getting Al to the hospital yesterday and realizing how little I can do anymore I came to the realization I am a liability to him.  This fact shocked and horrified me, that last thing in the world I have ever wanted to be was a problem.  I could not believe how weak I am and how much effort it took to even get him home and into the house.  Also I could not get anything for dinner due to the chaos of the house.  When I got him into bed and sat down and looked at the house and the overwhelming chaos I just wanted to cry.
Al has taken such good care of me over the years and here I can not be of much help.  I realized I can not do the shopping, the mail or even drag the trash out without being breathless and in pain.

Years ago I made a deal with God, as long as I could help people, in whatever way they would value, I would not complain about the problems I have to deal with day to day. But also in that deal was when I could not longer give back or forward it was time for me to leave.  This weekend is showing me that my time is coming.  I don't know how or when, but I do see that I am not getting stronger and will only be more of a liability as time goes on.

There is one blessing in all of this, I have had some of the most incredible people in my life, and feel so grateful for all of them.

Al has been my soul mate for 30 years and I have gone through many struggles with him, yet I love him like no one else.  My Lynn who I got when she was 12 and is my kid, I love totally. 

Sue has been a best friend and "heart sister"since high school and has been my confidant and I hers. And even Bill. Isabel is another dear best friend from high school friend who has stayed in my life forever. Their children have been the loves of my life.

My dear "heart family", Letha, my little sister, Elaine, my big sister, and Anna a fiery little sister and Doug my little brother.  All the wonderful nieces, nephews and the generations that I have experienced with my "heart family". 

There are so many other important people I have had in my life, like Claudia and her dear Dan, who I miss.  My fabulous neighbors Phil and Colleen.  There are my old neighbors Jan and George, went through much with them.  Aldona was in my life more than once during tough times and her support was greatly appreciated.  Mike and Marla, Corey and Abas, Gail, Roy and Judy, and many more.

All in all there are many people that I have been grateful to have in my life, and there are some I have not.

Life is not something I ever took for granted.  I have been dead a few times and come back, but always with the same deal I had with the God I believe in. I have to be able to feel like I am contributing, not just taking or existing. 

I know that the one thing I have been able to do is love, despite the abuse I received when I was younger.  And more importantly I have been loved back.  How much more can a person want? Not much....life has been good at times....I want to remember those times...

Widowmaker and me

So the past two weeks have been very challenging for me...that might be an understatement...I am good at that.

I went thru a series of heart attacks these past few weeks, so October sucked, to say the least.  The worst one is called a Widowmaker....which I said I could not have because I did not have a wife...ok, weak humor.

The past couple of months have been rather horrible for me in many ways, and I did not realize that I had a couple of heart attacks this summer also.  I have had a bad heart since I died and ended up in a morgue years ago, but I try to pay attention when it acts up.  But, and I mean but, apparently because of the stress I was under, I did not pay attention closely enough.  There were a couple of times when I did tell Al if the stress did not go away soon I am going to have a heart attack...I sure did.

Some of the symptoms I did experience were similar to some of my chronic conditions, so they did not connect with me as something to be alarmed about.
What I did notice that I was having a lot of anger, and things I used to be able to get through I was falling apart over.

  I even stopped having contact with a professional that I so trusted and honored and could not figure out why.  I felt like I could not communicate with her or anyone else.  I had so lost it. I had said I could not understand why I was so angry.  I was so depressed that I was pushing against a brick wall in my mind and was just becoming numb.  The negative moods could not be shaken.

Didn't realize that my lack of oxygen was making things so confusing to me.

 My distress was climbing to the point that after some of the troubles I had at Detroit Fanfare my heart just said, "Screw you, girl, I need to get your full attention".

 Well I finally did start putting some of the pieces together, and we rushed for medical care.  So after some testing, my doctor said that I had had some heart attacks in the past couple of months, and was going through one now. This was the one that got my attention.  I had something that is called the "Widowmaker", and things are not looking too great. Here is a description of the the widowmaker :  Wikipedia
A widow maker is a nickname used to describe a highly stenotic left main coronary artery or proximal left anterior descending coronary artery of the heart.
This term is used because if the artery gets abruptly and completely occluded it will cause a massive heart attack that will likely lead to a sudden death. The blockage that kills is made up of platelets streaming to the site of a ruptured cholesterol plaque. Even a small amount of plaque in this area can (for a variety of poorly understood reasons) rupture and cause death; bypassing chronic blockages or trying to open them up with angioplasty does not prevent heart attack but it can restore blood flow in case of a sudden blockage or heart attack. An example of the devastating results of a complete occlusion of the LAD (Left Anterior Descending) artery was the sudden death of former NBC News Washington Bureau Chief Tim Russert.
From the minute a widow maker hits, survival time ranges from minutes to several hours. Rapidly progressing symptoms should signal the need for immediate attention. Symptoms of initial onset may include nausea, shortness of breath, pain in the head, jaw, arms or chest, numbness in fingers, often of a novel but imprecise sensation which builds with irregular heart beat. Early symptoms may be mistaken for food poisoning, flu or general malaise until they intensify. A widow maker cannot kill instantly but induces cardiac arrest which may do so within 10 to 20 minutes of no circulation. A victim with no pulse or breath is still alive, living off oxygen stored in the blood and may be able to be rescued if treatment is begun promptly within this window.^[1]

 My body is so tired it is unreal, and now I have to come up with some solutions.  Because of my pre-existing chronic conditions, there are no surgical solutions for me, and I can not take any of the medications that many can.

So now the things I want to give to people are going to them soon. I will be shipping things out and having other things handed to the local ones.  I want to get rid of my stuff, so Al does not have to worry about my "collection".  I want him to be able to concentrate on what is important to him.

I have been blessed with so many great people in my life that I can not be sad about this.  My one word of advice is this...if anything changes you to a point that other people notice, listen...really listen and see if you can get some help before it is too late.  If you feel different to yourself...something you just can't put a finger on, ask someone you trust if they see the same thing.  Our brains are really good at lying to us, so we don't always know the truth.

My symptoms were not much different than the ones I have from polio, fibromyalgia, asthma and arthritis, so I missed a lot of time.  Try to pay attention...it could mean the difference between life and death.

So my priority now is that Al can have the support he needs.  I really want to get my Past Echoes Project done.  I want to get the house completely "uncollected", find homes for the good stuff, junk the rest.

I have the most amazing "Heart" family in the world...Thank you all.  I love all of you.  

As my mother said to me, "Getting old is not for wimps".

HATRED

HATRED

After watching the news tonight, and seeing that North Korea is celebrating their “Victory Day”, 60 years after the Korean War ended, my mind started to explode.

Over 30 years ago my best friend and her husband decided to adopt two of the most beautiful little girls.  I had never fallen in love so fast as I did when I saw these darlings. After Al and I got married, my friend and her little girls came over to visit me. At the time I was living with Al and his Uncle George in the family home. I was so glad to see my little sweeties, who called me Aunt Megan, and my high school friend.  After the visit, Uncle George told me that they could never come back.  I was beside myself in shock. I could not figure out what the problem was - these little girls were so well behaved it was unreal. BUT what I did not think about was this…Al’s Uncle Al had been killed in the last week of the Korean War.  So in Al’s family there was such a hatred for Koreans that even 30 years later it was no less intense. In fact, Uncle George hated Harry Truman for not dropping the atom bomb on Korea.  By the way, my beautiful nieces were adopted from Korea. After sobbing about how innocent children could bring out such hatred, I never had them over again.  My naïveté was that I did not think about how long hatred could last.  When I saw the news I could see that the hatred has lasted over 60 years, because when questioned, the Korean children said they were taught all Americans were imperialists.

Hatred is so pervasive in the world that at times I am surprised the human race has survived.

The hatred I experienced was not just from Al’s family, but my own were just as busy with it.

My mother despised the Jews who went to college during the WWII to escape the draft because they did not want to fight for this country.  She would not go to a Jewish doctor, and in fact did not like any doctor that was not white, and spoke broken English. Yet she would not allow her children to use certain language that was negative.  We were not allow to call someone a Jew…the person was Jewish.  She respected one’s religion, but not always the behavior or actions of people of certain religions.

When her husband called someone a n*gger, she would have a fit, she did not tolerated that word. My mother was raised in Detroit and worked with “people of color” as she explained, and said they were no different than the rest of us.

Even my father, who had served in two wars in the USMC, never used the word n*gger around us children.

Yet, unfortunately my father did hate the behavior of the Japanese and the Chinese where he had served.  As a result, we never had any kind of oriental food growing up.

It was interesting to note that having a child out of wedlock is normal now, but if a woman was pregnant before marriage in the past she was a “fallen woman”.  My mother’s last husband and his family said that the fact that my mother had a child before she married my father was horrible, and used it against her for decades.  It did not matter that her fiancé was killed in action, during WWII.  But if my mother brought up the fact that his ex-wife said that she had four children with four different men it was okay.  What her husband really hated was my Mother was a Marine, and so were both her fiancé and my father.  Her last husband did not serve in the military during WWII because he was in a war protected job.  He hated the veterans, which included my brothers who served.  I tried to tell him his job was just as important, but he did not agree, so for over four decades I heard how bad the veterans were.

The other hatred I listened to was that he hated the “red n*ggers”, the Native Americans whose school he attended.  So when Al and I got married he was so furious that I married a “red n*gger”he said I was no better than “white trash”.  My husband is a Metis.  In fact he said that Al was not good enough to be in his home. Yet Al was good enough to do work for him for free.

I guess I should really hate this man, but instead I feel sorry for him and his family. When bigotry starts, it is so hard to get to the root of it and erase it.  People tell themselves stories, and begin to believe the stories so much that they forget that the story was not based on fact.

The news is so full of hatred that people are spewing against other people… Why can’t people realize how lucky they are to be alive?

I found I enjoyed the positive news about little Prince George being born, but there are already negative stories about Diana and Kate circulating in the news.  The little guy isn’t even a week old , for god’s sake; it seems that joy is so short-lived.

What is it going to take for the world to stop being angry?  Just blow itself up and be done with it?  I sure hope not; I plan on hanging in for a while longer. I have plans.

I do see such a difference in this country after reading hundreds of letters from WWII. That generation had hope for a better world… it is so sad that so few have that hope anymore.  Maybe we could learn something from them.

I am judged by many, and try not to judge others. It is not easy.  I have some of the most wonderful “heart family” that any person could want.  My hope is that others are as lucky.

A Half Century of Loss...Daddy I love you

I can't believe that a half a century has passed ... that is 50 years...yeah 50 years...I find that the heart ache is still there and in fact for some reason the pain has expanded to the point of explosion today.

When I looked the date up for 1963 I sat with my mouth open in shock...it is 50 years to the day...that we got off a plane in California and our world came to an abrupt stop.

When we got to the airport, we were surrounded by airport personnel and they told my mom to come with them and that the rest of us would go with them.  Now I was only 13, had never flown in my life and had my little brothers and sister with me.  I was uncomfortable with Mom and the baby going away and being left with strangers, but kept up a brave front for the little kids. 

The little kids were excited about Daddy coming to pick us up and were having fun getting a tour of the airport.  The time was going so slow for me, I was getting nervous because Mom was not there....I had a bad feeling.  The airport people were being kind and trying to keep us busy, because unbeknownst to me, Mom was being surrounded by news media.

My memories this year have been all sensory...I can see the events, smell them and feel the terror that was building up.
Rose was getting tired and wanted Mommy, and the boys were starting to ask for Daddy.  I remember the President's office and them showing us the planes on his desk, and the pictures of the famous people on the walls.  I remember asking the people "Where is my Mommy?"  The people were so uncomfortable and kept trying to change the questions.
I remember the President coming in with this hulking big man...This man came up to me and asked if he could shake my hand and I said yes...I was so overwhelmed by who he was...It was Hoss...Dan Blocker, a kind and gentle man, who had been told of our tragedy.  The one that I did not know of.  He spent some time with us and the boys and then came and bent down and told me what a "brave big girl" I was, and how I was such a help to my mommy.  I thanked him and then he gave me a hug....He was so large that he engulfed me in his arms.  When he let go he had tears in his eyes.  Why I wondered?

A little later my Mommy came in, holding Bobby..she had been crying...I asked her why and she said she would tell me later.

A friend of my Daddy's has come to the airport and said she would take us to her home.  We were so excited, we were going to Daddy any minute.  Little did we know how that would not happen, ever again.

My Mother never told me about the death, the lady who brought us to her house, took me for a walk and told me.  So not only was I in a strange place, with a stranger, I was being told my hero was dead...How could that be?  We just talked with him last night, and were going out to lunch for my 13th birthday?  This could not be happening.  Life would not be this horrible.  God would not do this to me.

Mom came back to the house, she had been at the funeral home setting up Daddy's funeral.  She took a look at me and knew something had happened.  Mom took us all into a room and told us that Daddy was gone, he had died and we would never see him again.  My heart broke into a billion pieces, and I knew my life was over...

The events that followed were so full of angst and terror.  Life kept getting worse from then on.  I went from a 13 year old to an adult with so many responsibilities.  I never had the joy of being a teenager.  I never got to go to dances, date or take a senior trip.  I had wanted to be a nurse, but my mother was afraid that I would get killed because of the riots.  I was accepted to an art school in New York, but she was afraid to let me go.

My life has been full of so much tragedy and horror, that I am amazed that I would be blessed enough to find someone to love me.  My blessing is my husband Al...for 30 years he has been my hero, my love, my champion and my gift from God.  We have suffered together at times through some horrible things, but together we are amazing.  I only was able to have my husband because of coming back to Michigan after Daddy died.  

So all these flash-backs are probably a reminder that I was able to put those billions of pieces my heart broke into together...I am lucky....

Daddy I will love you forever......

  

2012

Well 2012 is ending just as f**king good as it started, the American Congress can not get their heads out of their asses long enough to see what the American Public wants.
The Congress does not care at all about the public, just their buddies... great..but the Public is the ones that pay the bills and the price for this stupidity...

2012 started this way...........

In Janurary I get a text message that my oldest brother had died...two weeks before my birthday...just wonderful....
Denny had struggled the last few years with some health issues and it was sad to know that his body gave up...but at least he is not in pain anymore.  The ones in pain are his family because he was so integral to his family.

In Feb.  we got notified that Al's cousin Penny had died from her battle with cancer.  We were so sad, we had hoped to go and meet her this past summer.  

A couple of months later, my Uncle Danny died. He was two days younger than Denny.  Uncle Danny had fought for a long time with his health and had finally became the heavenly angel that he was on Earth.

My hope was that this was the last bad news of the year... Al was due to graduate from Wayne State University in May and I really could have gone with no more stress.

Despite some bs from Wayne State University, Al finally got the info that he was going to get his BA in Film.  I was so thrilled that I threw him a party.  That was one of the most rewarding things I had done in years...it was wonderful to see our friends, many who were our "Heart Family".  We were so glad that the college years were over....

Then June decided it wanted to be noticed and I was told I had breast cancer....I went "Really"?  This was just not an acceptable situtation for me, so I decided that without health insurance I was still going to find a way to get this resolved.  Found the wonderful program through Karmanos that offered free care for women up to age 64.  The team I worked with was wonderful and it turned out I had false postives and scare tissue....that was such a relief that by September I was too exhausted to do much more. 

And during this time we helped a friend move in with another friend who needed help.

We had planned on moving to Arizona, but those plans went bye bye when we realized that we had a powerful support team here and would need it.

Al had been deteriorating thorough out the summer and had to go into physical therapy to try and get his arm to stop hurting and for it to be useful.  Just as he was getting through that, he bad knee decided to give out.  He blew out the cartilage and messed up his lateral ligament....good gravy we did not need that.

And for me, lets just say stress and Polio do not go together...it has been sucky.

But in November we got ourselves another family member...her name is Babe.  She is nine years old and beautiful.  Her human had died and she was left in a house by herself for a month, having a neighbor feed her.  The son of the deceased lady just wanted the cat to be put down.  Well considering the vet said Gabby was lonely, we went and got Babe.   I love her so much, and so does Al, she has been a delight...Gabby and her are still adjusting, but it looks like they will be okay.  So in the scheme of things, this doesn't seem like something big, but for us it was a great thing.

So in December when the country had just gotten through the shock of the East coast being slammed by Sandy, comes the most horrible crime ever, 20 babies murdered with their teachers in Connecticut.  The sadness has been overwhelming to say the least, and the sorrow will be forever for these families.  

But apparently this country has not had enough, now we have the New Years Eve news that our Congress is a bunch of nincompoops.  I want to know how these people look in the mirror and the faces of their families.  They have become such a joke around the world.  The men and women who have given their lives, bodies and minds to make this country free do not deserve this kind of abuse.  Those of us who have worked, and put our money into a program that we PAID for can not understand why some congressman's or senator's pork is more important than honoring the promise made to us Americans.

All in all 2012 has been a "F**KING BAD YEAR".  

BUT I FEEL BLESSED...I HAVE A HUSBAND WHO LOVES ME AND A "HEART FAMILY" AND FRIENDS WHO I LOVE AND CHERISH.     

 I WISH EVERYONE A BETTER YEAR IN 2013......
  

Santa and Me

When we got invited to do Santa and Mrs. Claus for the National Guard Armory again we were so pleased.  We have done it numerous years and this time we were  asked two months ahead of time.

But we were really concerned we could not do it because Al torn his lateral ligament and a cartilage in his knee last week.  We asked the doctor if he could still do it and Dr. G thought it would be okay if we were very careful.  So Al took it super easy all week, stayed off his leg as he was told and crossed his fingers he would feel okay.

I will be the first to admit that this morning it did not look good for us.  It was raining and muggy, and it started to get super warm...not a good combination when one is in a wig, beard and costume.  After trying not to sweat to death, we arrived to a full house.... there were hundreds of soldiers and their family members.  We were there for over an hour with a line of children that never stopped.  It was amazing and the wonder and enjoyment on the children and their parents faces was so beautiful I wanted to cry.  We finished up and headed home.  And low and behold, the sun started to come out.  I guess that prayer I made came true...Please God, don't make us wet and damp, don't let the children be disappointed....it came true.

When we got home Al's pain really started to kick in, the meds were wearing off, so he was so glad to get home.  After de-Santaing, Al sat in his chair to stretch out.  Babe decided her dad needed to be loved and got on the back of the chair....they both fell asleep for a couple of hours...so cute....Babe would keep touching Al's head, like letting him know she would take care of him.  Gabby decided to crawl up in his lap and sleep...Al was nice and cozy.

  Babe sleeping....

 
Babe with her dad...Al

 
And Gabby on the lap saying "Really Mom?"  let us sleep.

Al and I love doing this for the troops and the kids.  Our only regret is that our bodies do not keep up with our minds.  Al says he does not regret this, even though he had to go to bed a while ago to try to get more comfortable.

Those beautiful faces, so full of excitement and joy help us feel less pain for a few moments and that is priceless.  

So Santa and Mrs. Claus hope everyone has the Holiday Season that they wish for......