I Really Did Make It !!!!!

 1950...no hair, Mom was horrified I would be bald.

My father carried this picture that Aunt Janet took of me at 3 in his wallet till he died.  I was 13 he he was killed.  Mom said he so loved the picture that he had the current year's one over it.

By God, I made it.  It is a reality that I can say with certainty I am always amazed every time I wake up on this side of the grass.  What confuses me is is why.  I can not figure out why me.  Today I turned 62, but I started out this year with two brothers and before the middle of this month, I had only one.  Harold is the only brother left of four, and my sister is also gone.  The weirdness of this does befuddle me.  Why me?  I have been in a morgue, and died on the surgery table 4 times, but I am still here.  Have I done something wrong and must pay for it by watching my family die?  Or is it as Mom said, "You are the one to tell the truth."

The truth teller.  What truth should I tell?  Should I tell the whole, real truth about my family, warts and all?  Or should I tell the varnished truth, just bits of the story that have been carefully selected?

As I sit here going through old family photos, I wonder why I am doing this anymore.  The people in these photos are almost all dead, just one or two left.  The grandchildren and great-grandchildren of my parents don't even know who these people are.  I have spent over 40 years collecting stories,  records and documents to write the story of my family.  But which family do I write about?  The family that was poor, happy but intact before my dad died?

 Mom and Dad 1961




Or the new family that was formed after my father was killed, just Mom and her kids? 

Bill, Harold, Bobby, Rose, Sooty and Tiger  1963.  My favorite picture of my little brothers and sister.

Dennis and Mom 1963.

Ironically all the people in the above pictures except for Harold, are gone.  My heart breaks with sadness at times, but I also cherish all of them forever, even when bad things happened between us.





  Or the "UNBLENDED" group that was the result of my mother remarrying a year and a half later.

Official Senior Status

Well, the full reality that I am an official senior citizen, albeit a young one, was the letter from Social Security wanting to know if I was applying for retirement benefits now.  I sat with the letter in my hand today and just laughed.  Retirement? Me?  What do I retire from... a hell of a life?  That would be a gift...that is for sure.  But I am a realist, and know that I would not be totally free of it.  But could I retire?  Well, the answer is no.  Because I took care of Al's uncle for 15 years without pay, and was a foster mom for years, without pay, and I took care of my mom for two years without pay...I really don't have enough credits to make it worthwhile.  I still cannot get any Medicare for another 3 years, so the small amount  I can get now will not cover any health insurance premiums. My answer was mailed back today, and I had to say no. Is that a mistake?  Who knows?  My brother just died at 66 years, and I doubt he collected much of his Social Security for all the years he worked.  I have other friends who have died before retirement.

So how does Social Security become an entitlement?  If you die before you are eligible, nobody gets it. Well, that is, almost no one, if you are married and have kids, your family can get it.  But if you have no kids, are not married, and have no dependents, then the government gets it.  Wait, is this the same government that wants to cut Social Security, Medicare and other senior benefits?  They want to continue to give money to those who do not need it, but will not help those who are homeless, hungry and have dire medical needs unless they fit very rigid rules that often has no relation to reality.   Such as when someone tries to get disability from a program they have been paying into for that reason.

I have been through a lot of elections, and it seems to me, that the government that we are electing is getting further and further away from the citizens and closer to an oligarchy.

Tomorrow I become an official senior, one that is NOT retiring, because it seems to me that there is more work to do now than there was when I was younger.  Personally I think my generation really screwed up, especially when we became more obsessed with possessions than people.  I am not sure I can change or fix some of the screw ups, but I am willing to work at trying.

Epic Confusion

Well we did it, we actually went out and had some fun, first time in years....and did it feel good.

Was able to get to Epic Confusion, a Science Fiction convention on the weekend as vendors.  Have not been able to vendor for years, just not strong enough, plus all the drama that was involved with Mom.

Angie and Rick Fox were the ones who ran the dealers room and they did a great job.  Angie set me up so my chair was not a problem and I could wheel in and out without trouble.

Set-up was a smooth job and and so was tear down.  Al and I were able to really relax and enjoy all the people we have missed seeing over the past few years.  We had some wonderful conversations and met some great new people.

We did find out that we got tired, really tired.  In fact we came home and went to bed at 6:00pm the first night and 5:30pm the second.  We are soooo out of shape....Wish we were stronger, would love to go back on the show circuit...it was fun but also major league work. Of course I also wish the economy would support that kind of life again, but it does not.

Here is how we were able to set up our tables.

Unfortunately we did not have any lights....next time lighting will help so much

My Realization

I was editing some pictures to up load to Ancestry for the family history when I saw a couple of new pictures of my brother Dennis who had just died.  I was shocked and appalled at what I saw:  I saw an old man.  After my initial shock I decided to go through some more of my pictures and some other pictures I came across.  What I realized is that Dennis became an old man in front of everyone and maybe no one noticed.  I had not seen Dennis in over two years so the decline was dramatic.

I then decided to go through pictures of my Mom who had just died  1 1/2 years ago and the similarity of decline was amazing.  Within two years Mom became old before our eyes, and even though I thought I had caught it I did not fully.

Then I pulled out pictures of my sister Rose who had died from a brain tumor, and the difference is there too. 


So next I went through some pictures of Al and myself, and was totally blow away, the changes are so noticeable when you look back. 


We don't really see ourselves. The people who are closest to us don't notice the changes like someone who had not seen you in a while.  I think maybe because you see someone everyday you just become used to the person, I don't think it is because you don't care.  I wonder if our brains are wired to ignore the small signs.  Does the brain do this to prepare us for the upcoming death?   Or is it because we are wired to be afraid of death, and are in denial?  I really don't know the why, the realization that it is going on right before our eyes is shocking.

So I have a couple of suggestions:

1.  Get pictures taken every year, and at the beginning of the New Year look at lasts years picture to see how you or the family member has changed.  Was it a normal aging change?  Or is there a look in the eyes or posture that has changed that concerns you?  The most important change I now see in Mom's and Dennis's pictures is they lost the sparkle in their eyes, and their smiles did not light up the room.  Rose was only 32, but she looked much older and also had lost her smile.  These three especially had full faced smiles that could light up a room.

2.  If you see a change that is worrying, tell the person and maybe suggest they see a doctor if you think it is medical.  If the doctor says it is no big deal, maybe get a second opinion, doctors can be wrong.  Trust me doctors can really be wrong, they were for Rose and my Mother.  Had to change doctors a couple of times.

3.  Do the same thing for yourself, most of us do not look at ourselves, except to see how we are dressed, etc.  Be honest with yourself, it has nothing to do with vanity.  It could save your life.

As we all know, we can't get out of life alive....death will happen, but maybe, just maybe we can improve the quality of one's life with some foresight....maybe.

As someone who took care of three family members while they were dying, I thought I was pretty informed, but maybe nobody can be fully knowledgeable.  As an example, here is an interesting article I found today.....
http://gma.yahoo.com/wife-slips-madness-husband-dies-brain-tumor-170825388--abc-news.html  

My hope is that no one has to go through this or other too early deaths.  I hope some of these thought will help you.

Reality, Perception and Actuality

I got a terse response to my tribute to my brother Dennis who had just died.  The person who composed it was a peripheral family member and his perception was that it was negative.  That was not my goal.

BUT, there is one thing that the I have learned, many times people do not READ what is WRITTEN....emotion has an interesting filter that can really misinterpret what someone SAYS.  I have found that the internet has caused a lot of problems with communication between people because of lack of body language.  We are losing the skill to communicate it seems on many levels.


How one grieves is specific to the person and no one has a right to dictate as what method of grief is appropriate.  I chose to honor the brother I had loved, but was honest about our relationship.


I still say Thank You Dennis for being you....


My reality, perception and actuality are mine, they might not jive with anyone else's, but I do accept them and live with them.  I guess it can make other people uncomfortable when a person takes responsibility for their own actions.

Dennis Jay Harshman Good by Big Brother RIP

 Denny 1954, he is in the center, with the new baby Harold...I am next to him with the curls.

Today I got a text from my younger brother, Harold, that my older brother Dennis had died last night.  I was not surprised. Denny had struggled with health issues the last few years. Denny was only 66.  It was sad that we had not talked in over a year, but at my mother's funeral Dennis decided he never wanted to talk with me again.  He had gotten some wrong information, and emotions exploded. We had words, and they were not nice words.  Dennis sent me an email that stated he never wanted to have contact again, and I honored his wishes.

Despite all of this I loved Dennis totally.  He could be a very difficult person, but he had been my hero when I was younger, and my partner when we got older and had to take care of the younger kids.

Harold   and meDenny holding Rose

Denny and Harold  1955

Denny was smart, witty and human.  He lived an adventurous life, many times coming close to death.  He had been in a coma for weeks once in the 70's after an auto accident. He lived life large and hard, so he pushed the edge a lot.

We had the common bond of being the "other parents" and even until recently called the younger brothers and sister "The Little Kids".  


Will I miss him? Yes, on some levels, but I lost him over a year ago.  Do I wish he had responded to an attempt to make  amends last year? Yes, I do.  But my reality is that turning the other cheek only resulted in getting slapped again.  It is not unusual for family trauma to create a chasm, but I had figured with all of our trauma there would still be a connection.  I was wrong.


My advice to anyone is this: make sure you are comfortable with your words, and who you tell them to, because you might find out they are the last words you have together.

Rest in Peace my Big Brother DJ....You will always be in my heart, I shall always remember that wicked smile and wonderful laugh you had.  I always loved your hugs and kisses.   Thank you for serving this country during the Vietnam era in the Air Force.  Thank you for your intelligence that helped make things safe for this country.  Thank you for having two beautiful daughters and three beautiful granddaughters.

Rest in peace......Dennis Jay

Friday the 13th

Well the first alert to the type of day I was going to have was Gabby crawled up to my pillow and laid her head on my head.  I think she had a feeling today would be weird and she wanted to give me some comfort before I got up.

I had trouble getting moving because the rain just made everything on my body ache and my breathing sucked, but after about an hour I was dressed and up.

Today is Al's "long" day, so he packed up his stuff for school and headed off.  I would not see him again till 10pm.

After yesterday's headache with the computer, trying to get trojans and viruses to behave I thought maybe, just maybe I had finally got things working.  So wrong Don Pardo....So wrong.   I spend the next few hours working AGAIN to try and get things right.  My security comes up with Exploit Blackhole, whatever the hell that is.....Also once talked about Cloud...good golly what is the matter with these nutjobs who write these programs....didn't they get any morals and values?

I had hoped to edit some more artwork for the show I am doing next week, but that did not happen.

SOOOO  I decided to make myself some popcorn, get a glass of juice and curl up in the chair with Gabby and watch Dr. Oz.  Now that really was my idea....really....

What happened instead was I put the popcorn in the microwave, set it, it said up to 4 minutes, turned got a glass, walked over to fill it with water and juice.  When I turned around there was smoke billowing out of the microwave, actually a really large amount.  The microwave had only been on for 1 min 24 seconds.  I quickly shut off the microwave and opened the door when flames started coming out.  I grabbed the bag to douse it but could not get to the sink I needed, so I rushed to the window and threw out the flaming bag.  I had grabbed Gabby under my arm and was heading for the front door to get out in case there would be more fire.  I was not sure if the microwave was going to catch fire and the only thing I cared about was getting out with her.  After a few minutes I came back in and realized that the smoked filled house and kitchen was just from the bag of popcorn and nothing else.  This I was really happy about, the stinky smoke on a rainy day I was not happy about.  

So I kind of figured that I would be opening up the windows and using fans for a while, but unfortunately the smoke just hung in the air.  So I am sorry to say I have had to use my oxygen and the house smells like an old dank smoked filled bar.  

I thought I should warn Al about my "little" adventure when he called so he would not freak out when he got home.  The poor guy....if it isn't the craziness at school, it is is wife.  Who said being married was boring, never lived with us.  I told him that I was not going to cook myself dinner, I would eat peanut butter and jelly and I was just going to lay down with Gabby and rest till he came home.  Al thought that was a good idea.

So because of the adrenaline rush, I can't sleep, plus my oxygen machine is noisy.  I thought I could do some art but I am shaking a little too much.  So after get threats of Trojans by my security AVG, I am doubting I am having a very good beginning to Friday the 13th.....Maybe I will get tired enough that I will just crawl back to bed and crash...one can only hope.

So I hope that everyone has a nice Friday the 13th....My little black cat, Gabby will be keeping me safe.

The final Days are close

It is with great relief to know that Al is in his final term and he will be done with WSU in four months.  It is unbelievable that we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it is NOT an oncoming train.

Everyone is always saying, "Go back to school", but what they forget to tell you is about the little Napoleons that are called professors at a university.  It is very disheartening to witness such horrible behavior from the so called "educators" that are there to enhance a person's education, not belittle a student, or put the professor's personal life likes or dislikes as the be all and end all.

I think the fact that WSU is having such low numbers for graduates has something to do with it's practices and who they hire for profs.


Al had always wanted to learn about his favorite subject, but the last term made him feel like he was in the wrong field.  I am so hopeful that this final term will not be the nightmare he had last term, because I suffered along with him.


I am so looking forward to a good year this year, hoping to get things right after a decade of hell.

Can't seem to fix things

My lack of computer programing is making it hard for me to fix my postings.  I guess I will just have to leave them the way they have become.

Messing things up

Well I just messed up all the photos on my blog...boohoo...now I have to figure out how to fix it