LIES

It has occurred to me my whole life has been a lie. I have been lied about and to by many. 

I have been lied to about how important holidays are to one's life...but that is a lie!!!  What holidays do is make a person think they have to act and be a certain way based on antiquated morals and mores. 

When I was young my parents made the holidays magical, and said that it would always be this way...that was a lie!!!  When daddy died things changed big time. The magic was  gone, because my older brother and I became the second parents and had to make the holidays magical for the kids.

Then mom remarried, and it was my job to keep the kids in line so her new husband did not get upset. 

After I became an adult I lived alone and found out that holidays could be sad. It was not fun to be around when others were celebrating.

After Al and I got married I tried to put together some traditions for the holidays and found out he was totally uninterested.  For Al holidays were not celebrated because his uncle worked them all.  After years of trying to have holiday spirit I have given up.  There is no reason to treat these holidays any different than any other day.

I have found lately that after the heart attacks I am too tired to put up with all the fuss and commercialism of holidays...they are sale days, and that is all.  What I had been taught as a child was to be generous and compassionate to those who had less than me.  That is something I have always tried to do. Now, though, if someone wants to give something to someone they ask if they want a tax receipt....no!!!  To me that is not giving, that is exchanging goods for less taxes!!!  Or people shove and push to get the "best deal" to show their generous natures...natures I would not be interested in living with.

Life has not been good most of my life, and now I find I don't want to wake up in the morning anymore.  I hope that my life does not have to be such a struggle anymore. There are times when I wish I could just stop living and never have one more argument or any other negative event go on in my life.  I tried to sit and list what was good going on in my life and can honestly say nothing.

There is bad news that if nursing care is needed, Al and I will need to divorce, because if I have to have Medicaid and need nursing home care, any assets we have the government can take.  If I die, anything we have acquired would be taken from Al. So after all the research that I can find, being poor and needing healthcare is a death sentence and leaves the spouse in the poor house. So much for 30 years of marriage. Another lie that getting old together would be wonderful.

  Ain't life wonderful? LIE!!! 

 2013 is and has been a horrible year.  I am ending the year with deleting all my email accounts, disconnecting phones and killing off Facebook. Life has become so fake and useless.  The rest of this year I am hiding.

For all those who believe the year is good, have a good holiday season....
 

Liability

A liability can mean something that is a hindrance or puts an individual or group at a disadvantage, or something that someone is responsible for, or something that increases the chance of something occurring (i.e. it is a cause). per Wikipedia............

I have always believed that as long as I was not a liability then I would continue to struggle through my life and fight.  After experiencing getting Al to the hospital yesterday and realizing how little I can do anymore I came to the realization I am a liability to him.  This fact shocked and horrified me, that last thing in the world I have ever wanted to be was a problem.  I could not believe how weak I am and how much effort it took to even get him home and into the house.  Also I could not get anything for dinner due to the chaos of the house.  When I got him into bed and sat down and looked at the house and the overwhelming chaos I just wanted to cry.
Al has taken such good care of me over the years and here I can not be of much help.  I realized I can not do the shopping, the mail or even drag the trash out without being breathless and in pain.

Years ago I made a deal with God, as long as I could help people, in whatever way they would value, I would not complain about the problems I have to deal with day to day. But also in that deal was when I could not longer give back or forward it was time for me to leave.  This weekend is showing me that my time is coming.  I don't know how or when, but I do see that I am not getting stronger and will only be more of a liability as time goes on.

There is one blessing in all of this, I have had some of the most incredible people in my life, and feel so grateful for all of them.

Al has been my soul mate for 30 years and I have gone through many struggles with him, yet I love him like no one else.  My Lynn who I got when she was 12 and is my kid, I love totally. 

Sue has been a best friend and "heart sister"since high school and has been my confidant and I hers. And even Bill. Isabel is another dear best friend from high school friend who has stayed in my life forever. Their children have been the loves of my life.

My dear "heart family", Letha, my little sister, Elaine, my big sister, and Anna a fiery little sister and Doug my little brother.  All the wonderful nieces, nephews and the generations that I have experienced with my "heart family". 

There are so many other important people I have had in my life, like Claudia and her dear Dan, who I miss.  My fabulous neighbors Phil and Colleen.  There are my old neighbors Jan and George, went through much with them.  Aldona was in my life more than once during tough times and her support was greatly appreciated.  Mike and Marla, Corey and Abas, Gail, Roy and Judy, and many more.

All in all there are many people that I have been grateful to have in my life, and there are some I have not.

Life is not something I ever took for granted.  I have been dead a few times and come back, but always with the same deal I had with the God I believe in. I have to be able to feel like I am contributing, not just taking or existing. 

I know that the one thing I have been able to do is love, despite the abuse I received when I was younger.  And more importantly I have been loved back.  How much more can a person want? Not much....life has been good at times....I want to remember those times...