It has occurred to me my whole life has been a lie. I have been lied about and to by many.
I have been lied to about how important holidays are to one's life...but that is a lie!!! What holidays do is make a person think they have to act and be a certain way based on antiquated morals and mores.
When I was young my parents made the holidays magical, and said that it would always be this way...that was a lie!!! When daddy died things changed big time. The magic was gone, because my older brother and I became the second parents and had to make the holidays magical for the kids.
Then mom remarried, and it was my job to keep the kids in line so her new husband did not get upset.
After I became an adult I lived alone and found out that holidays could be sad. It was not fun to be around when others were celebrating.
After Al and I got married I tried to put together some traditions for the holidays and found out he was totally uninterested. For Al holidays were not celebrated because his uncle worked them all. After years of trying to have holiday spirit I have given up. There is no reason to treat these holidays any different than any other day.
I have found lately that after the heart attacks I am too tired to put up with all the fuss and commercialism of holidays...they are sale days, and that is all. What I had been taught as a child was to be generous and compassionate to those who had less than me. That is something I have always tried to do. Now, though, if someone wants to give something to someone they ask if they want a tax receipt....no!!! To me that is not giving, that is exchanging goods for less taxes!!! Or people shove and push to get the "best deal" to show their generous natures...natures I would not be interested in living with.
Life has not been good most of my life, and now I find I don't want to wake up in the morning anymore. I hope that my life does not have to be such a struggle anymore. There are times when I wish I could just stop living and never have one more argument or any other negative event go on in my life. I tried to sit and list what was good going on in my life and can honestly say nothing.
There is bad news that if nursing care is needed, Al and I will need to divorce, because if I have to have Medicaid and need nursing home care, any assets we have the government can take. If I die, anything we have acquired would be taken from Al. So after all the research that I can find, being poor and needing healthcare is a death sentence and leaves the spouse in the poor house. So much for 30 years of marriage. Another lie that getting old together would be wonderful.
Ain't life wonderful? LIE!!!
2013 is and has been a horrible year. I am ending the year with deleting all my email accounts, disconnecting phones and killing off Facebook. Life has become so fake and useless. The rest of this year I am hiding.
For all those who believe the year is good, have a good holiday season....