Liability

A liability can mean something that is a hindrance or puts an individual or group at a disadvantage, or something that someone is responsible for, or something that increases the chance of something occurring (i.e. it is a cause). per Wikipedia............

I have always believed that as long as I was not a liability then I would continue to struggle through my life and fight.  After experiencing getting Al to the hospital yesterday and realizing how little I can do anymore I came to the realization I am a liability to him.  This fact shocked and horrified me, that last thing in the world I have ever wanted to be was a problem.  I could not believe how weak I am and how much effort it took to even get him home and into the house.  Also I could not get anything for dinner due to the chaos of the house.  When I got him into bed and sat down and looked at the house and the overwhelming chaos I just wanted to cry.
Al has taken such good care of me over the years and here I can not be of much help.  I realized I can not do the shopping, the mail or even drag the trash out without being breathless and in pain.

Years ago I made a deal with God, as long as I could help people, in whatever way they would value, I would not complain about the problems I have to deal with day to day. But also in that deal was when I could not longer give back or forward it was time for me to leave.  This weekend is showing me that my time is coming.  I don't know how or when, but I do see that I am not getting stronger and will only be more of a liability as time goes on.

There is one blessing in all of this, I have had some of the most incredible people in my life, and feel so grateful for all of them.

Al has been my soul mate for 30 years and I have gone through many struggles with him, yet I love him like no one else.  My Lynn who I got when she was 12 and is my kid, I love totally. 

Sue has been a best friend and "heart sister"since high school and has been my confidant and I hers. And even Bill. Isabel is another dear best friend from high school friend who has stayed in my life forever. Their children have been the loves of my life.

My dear "heart family", Letha, my little sister, Elaine, my big sister, and Anna a fiery little sister and Doug my little brother.  All the wonderful nieces, nephews and the generations that I have experienced with my "heart family". 

There are so many other important people I have had in my life, like Claudia and her dear Dan, who I miss.  My fabulous neighbors Phil and Colleen.  There are my old neighbors Jan and George, went through much with them.  Aldona was in my life more than once during tough times and her support was greatly appreciated.  Mike and Marla, Corey and Abas, Gail, Roy and Judy, and many more.

All in all there are many people that I have been grateful to have in my life, and there are some I have not.

Life is not something I ever took for granted.  I have been dead a few times and come back, but always with the same deal I had with the God I believe in. I have to be able to feel like I am contributing, not just taking or existing. 

I know that the one thing I have been able to do is love, despite the abuse I received when I was younger.  And more importantly I have been loved back.  How much more can a person want? Not much....life has been good at times....I want to remember those times...