So the past two weeks have been very challenging for me...that might be an understatement...I am good at that.
I went thru a series of heart attacks these past few weeks, so October sucked, to say the least. The worst one is called a Widowmaker....which I said I could not have because I did not have a wife...ok, weak humor.
The past couple of months have been rather horrible for me in many ways, and I did not realize that I had a couple of heart attacks this summer also. I have had a bad heart since I died and ended up in a morgue years ago, but I try to pay attention when it acts up. But, and I mean but, apparently because of the stress I was under, I did not pay attention closely enough. There were a couple of times when I did tell Al if the stress did not go away soon I am going to have a heart attack...I sure did.
Some of the symptoms I did experience were similar to some of my chronic conditions, so they did not connect with me as something to be alarmed about.
What I did notice that I was having a lot of anger, and things I used to be able to get through I was falling apart over.
I even stopped having contact with a professional that I so trusted and honored and could not figure out why. I felt like I could not communicate with her or anyone else. I had so lost it. I had said I could not understand why I was so angry. I was so depressed that I was pushing against a brick wall in my mind and was just becoming numb. The negative moods could not be shaken.
Didn't realize that my lack of oxygen was making things so confusing to me.
My distress was climbing to the point that after some of the troubles I had at Detroit Fanfare my heart just said, "Screw you, girl, I need to get your full attention".
Well I finally did start putting some of the pieces together, and we rushed for medical care. So after some testing, my doctor said that I had had some heart attacks in the past couple of months, and was going through one now. This was the one that got my attention. I had something that is called the "Widowmaker", and things are not looking too great. Here is a description of the the widowmaker : Wikipedia
A widow maker is a nickname used to describe a highly stenotic left main coronary artery or proximal left anterior descending coronary artery of the heart.
This term is used because if the artery gets abruptly and completely occluded it will cause a massive heart attack that will likely lead to a sudden death. The blockage that kills is made up of platelets
streaming to the site of a ruptured cholesterol plaque. Even a small
amount of plaque in this area can (for a variety of poorly understood
reasons) rupture and cause death; bypassing chronic blockages or trying to open them up with angioplasty
does not prevent heart attack but it can restore blood flow in case of a
sudden blockage or heart attack. An example of the devastating results
of a complete occlusion of the LAD (Left Anterior Descending) artery was the sudden death of former NBC News Washington Bureau Chief Tim Russert.
From the minute a widow maker hits, survival time ranges from minutes
to several hours. Rapidly progressing symptoms should signal the need
for immediate attention. Symptoms of initial onset may include nausea,
shortness of breath, pain in the head, jaw, arms or chest, numbness in
fingers, often of a novel but imprecise sensation which builds with
irregular heart beat. Early symptoms may be mistaken for food poisoning,
flu or general malaise until they intensify. A widow maker cannot kill
instantly but induces cardiac arrest which may do so within 10 to 20
minutes of no circulation. A victim with no pulse or breath is still
alive, living off oxygen stored in the blood and may be able to be
rescued if treatment is begun promptly within this window.
My body is so tired it is unreal, and now I have to come up with some solutions. Because of my pre-existing chronic conditions, there are no surgical solutions for me, and I can not take any of the medications that many can.
So now the things I want to give to people are going to them soon. I will be shipping things out and having other things handed to the local ones. I want to get rid of my stuff, so Al does not have to worry about my "collection". I want him to be able to concentrate on what is important to him.
I have been blessed with so many great people in my life that I can not be sad about this. My one word of advice is this...if anything changes you to a point that other people notice, listen...really listen and see if you can get some help before it is too late. If you feel different to yourself...something you just can't put a finger on, ask someone you trust if they see the same thing. Our brains are really good at lying to us, so we don't always know the truth.
My symptoms were not much different than the ones I have from polio, fibromyalgia, asthma and arthritis, so I missed a lot of time. Try to pay attention...it could mean the difference between life and death.
So my priority now is that Al can have the support he needs. I really want to get my Past Echoes Project done. I want to get the house completely "uncollected", find homes for the good stuff, junk the rest.
I have the most amazing "Heart" family in the world...Thank you all. I love all of you.
As my mother said to me, "Getting old is not for wimps".